A photo is worth 1,000 words, but you can have it for much less.

Not so Super Friends

1287 Words

 

Last night my wife and I were watching Indiana Jones And The Raiders Of The Lost Ark again. While we watched Dr. Jones figure his way through countless booby traps I thought about the question I often get asked by absolutely no one ever; "Hey Jeremy, if you could have a super hero as a BFF who would it be?"

Cool WHip

I thought deeply about hanging out with Indiana Jones as his BFF. I decided I would hate it to no end! You see, me and my besty would usually be chilling out with a bucket of cold beers and some delicious food someplace where we're not being chased down by angry tribesmen or bloodthirsty Nazis. Sure it would be nice to go out and find a treasure every so often, shiny shiny treasure. Cut some ribbons with over sized scissors at various museums we opened up with our bounty, but come on, the constant running, shooting, and swinging from whips would get old I think. Sorry, I'm out. I'll just follow you on Twitter instead @TheRealIndianaJones.

 

Mr. Perfect

I think most people might not take the question seriously and therefore, I think they'd immediately blurt out "Superman! I'd be best friends with Superman! He can fly, he has X-Ray vision, he's a bad ass! Yes, definitely Superman!" All of those things are quite true, but my best pal and I would have to have some things in common. If I put my fist in the air and jump up towards the rooftops I just fall right back down. If I try to see how many sodas are in the vending machine, I gotta get a mess of quarters and buy them all. Also, my cape is never that "flowy". Even his alter ego Clark Kent is way too much of a goodie two shoes for me to ever want to hang out with. Nope. Sorry. I'll just read your editorials Clark.

Iron Guy

Iron Man is more my speed. We all know how much Tony Stark likes to party when he's not wearing a nuclear night light on his chest. He would never ask me to go fight the bad guys with him, he'd probably just ask me to hold his drink or hold his hair while he pukes. I'm totally good with that. He's got a wonderful house at which we would all have many fun times. He owns a weapons manufacturing plant, so we'd always have fun at the shooting range. Yes. I think we would get matching tattoos of an empty scotch glass with "just one more" under it on our chests.

 

Bad Hair Day

Right off the bat, no. I would not want to hang out with Dr. Bruce Banner. Come on, the dude plays with gamma rays for god sake. I'm a bit of a jokester and I tend to give my BFF's a little crap here and there, it's a good give and take deal. It's bros being bros. I could imagine me and Bruce just hanging out one day eating cheese and playing chess and it would go something like this:

Jeremy: "Check mate! Dude, have you ever even played chess? Maybe those gamma rays are messing with your critical thinking gland."

Bruce: "Jeremy, when you speak to me like that it makes me angry. You wouldn't..."

Jeremy :"..like me when I'm angry. I know. Jesus, I know. You need to learn how to roll with the punches... oh shit"

Bruce: "AAAAAAAaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhh"

Jeremy: "Bruce, I was just kidding man. Come on, have some nice smoked gouda. I'll reset the board and we'll play again, I won't tease you again. I promise"

Hulk: "HULK SMASH!"

Jeremy: "Oh shit"

Hulk: "HULK SMASH!!!!"

Jeremy: "I knew this was a bad idea"

So you see how it would just go south like all the time? Nope. I like to be the only one wearing a ripped shirt and jean shorts in my crew. Adios muchacho. 

 

 

Golden Girl

All I can say is the sexual tension would be insurmountable. There is no way we could hang out. She could never keep her hands off me. Sorry.

 

 

Blunder Twins

Threes a crowd man. You know when your best buddy all of a sudden gets a new girlfriend and things just... change? Well, imagine that from the get go. The inside jokes would be too much to handle too, I think. They'd be all "Hey super twin, remember that time we took form of an ICE BURRITO!" But they'd both say "ICE BURRITO" at the same time and touch rings then just laugh and look at you like you were the weird one for not being in on that joke. Hey buttholes, if I don't have a ring or a twin how can I be expected to take form of anything? Good day sir!

 

 

Zoinks!

Shaggy. You got to love a stoner hippy guy named Shaggy. His BFF is a talking dog and they live in a Mystery Machine! Not a creepy van, a MYSTERY FUCKING MACHINE! YES! DOUBLE YES! Please let me be your best human friend Shaggy! I'll bring the munchies dude, just let me hang out with you. I imagine that Shaggy would be the most non judgemental guy ever. Just look at him, how could be be above anything or anyone? Hey Shagster (that's what I'd call him, that and Mr. Shagnito), how about today we sit in the bean bag chairs and watch Football all day long? You can even invite Scooby, I installed the talking doggie door. He'd be all "Like yeah man, that sounds like a great idea". God I love Mr. Shagnito.

 

 

Water-boy

I thought about this one a bit more than the others. Here's my conclusion. No. I think Aquaman would be way to needy as a BFF. He'd always need to prove his worth to me and everyone else around. That and he'd always want to go to the damn aquarium, which would get old fast. Here's how I think our last day of being friends might play out:

Aquaman: "Hey Jeremy, I'll pick you up in 15 to go to the aquarium. We'll get there in time to see them feed the otters!"

Jeremy: "Oh hey Aquaman. Um, how about we go to the zoo instead? I'd love to see the elephants and the giraffes today. We've gone to the aquarium every weekend for the last 2 years."

Aquaman: "HAHA, you're too funny man. You know I don't really get along with those guys at the zoo. The hippos don't even want to be my friends and they always just walk out of the water when I dive in there."

Jeremy: "Dude, I'm sorry. I can't do it anymore."

Aquaman: "What do you mean? Is something wrong?"

Jeremy: "Yes, alright, I want to do other things on the weekends. I've seen all there is to see at the aquarium. And the food there sucks!"

Aquaman: "What about that time I saved that lady?"

Jeremy: "What!? You got her bracelet back for her. That's hardly saving."

Aquaman: "Well, come on, she was pretty happy about it."

Jeremy: "You didn't even get it! You forced that poor starfish to get it for you! There was an octopus in there that wasn't doing anything, he was just in the rocks right by the damn bracelet. He's got 8 fucking arms for crying out loud! It took that starfish over two hours to get the bracelet. The lady just felt sorry for you, that's why she didn't leave."

Aquaman: "Jeremy, when you speak to me that way it makes me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Jeremy: "Shut the hell up man, you aint no Bruce Banner. I'm going to hang out with Ironman. I need a drink."

 

 

Now I've done it or WOTD:omnibus

328 words

omnibus

\OM-nuh-buhs\ , noun;

1.A volume of reprinted works of a single author or of works related in interest or theme.

2.A bus.

adjective:

1.Pertaining to, including, or dealing with numerous objects or items at once.

Who knows, maybe one day you'll be buying my omnibus.

So I'm sitting here staring at my lightroom catalog the other day thinking to myself... "Self, you need to justify this camera gear you went and bought." I've tried several different ways to sell my photos, mugs, calendars, notecards, big ass prints, etc.

 

Now I going to try a freakin' book. My brother has been wildly successful writing books. If the 6 degrees from Kevin Bacon game holds any truth at all then I should do pretty well. Not only am I only 1 degree from Kevin Bacon (my brother was one of those celebrity cameos in "She's Having A Baby") and I like the song Footloose, but I'm 1 degree from book writing success. Those two things are totally the same. Totally.

 

I've got 25 pages of macro photos. Most of them have never been shared outside of my office until now. Consider this a little behind the scenes of the soon to be wildly successful "little big world" photo book by Jeremy Wheaton if you will. The above photo was taken in Oregon in a little park with my wife, my sister, and her husband. See that, totally revealing information that's not even in the book! Just wait for the director's cut when it comes out on Bluray.

 

This is a little mushroom town that just so happened to be in that very same park I was at with my wife, sister, and her husband. What can I say, Oregon makes some darn pretty macros! So, let's see how this book thing goes. Because if it goes at all, I've got several other photo books that I can toss out there. I've even set a 5% discount just so you'll buy the thing! Merry Christmas!

WOTD: fascicle

285 words

 

fascicle

\FAS-i-kuhl\ , noun;

1.A section of a book or set of books published in installments as separate pamphlets or volumes.

2.A small bundle, tight cluster, or the like.

3.Botany. A close cluster, as of flowers or leaves.

4.Anatomy. A small bundle of nerve or muscle fibers.

Me: Whoah, check out the fascicle on that thing! I haven't seen a fascicle with a star behind it before, have you?

Made Up Person: What in the hell is a fascicle dude?

Me: Read my blog made up person, it will explain everything.

Ok, so I don't really have a good way to use fascicle in a sentence, or at least not currently. So, I'll just put up a couple more macro shots that really show of some serious fascicle goodness.

I'm not sure what kind of plant this is, but I really liked its tight formation going on here. If I had read my blog back then I probably would have busted out facsicle, or maybe not. I gotta keep ya guessing.

I really love shooting macro photos. I always see something in the photo that I didn't see with my eyeballs. For instance, I didn't notice the extremely tiny insect on the outside of the fascicle on the upper right until I saw the photo.

Fascicles come in all different shapes and sizes, or at least I think they do. Why not, right? Anyway, enjoy the seriously pretty fascicle on this dandy lion. You know, I love to see them lit up by the sun in the summertime when they aren't in my yard. These little buggers are quite a pain in the butt when it comes to keeping a yard weed free. Pretty though.

Have a nice day :)

WOTD: berserk

617 words

 

berserk

\ber-SURK\ , adjective;

1. Violently or destructively frenzied; wild; crazed; deranged.

Even though the strong young rider had confidence a vest and a helmet, he was still no match for the berserk bull.

I've done a rodeo post before, but I didn't show the entire sequence of the rides. They have a story, or at least I like to think they have a story, albeit short. Here are some shot of this same ride. This guy had no chance from the get go.

They call the guys in the purple shirts the "bull fighters". They are the guys you don't want to piss off if you are in this rider's situation. My friend is a bull fighter. He's no joke.

I think when you're on the ground with a 2,000 pound berserk animal drooling all over you, you wish it was just 8 seconds long.

And.... scene. The fighters did their job and distracted that big hunk of beef so the downed rider could stagger away to safety.

In order to further enrage the frenzied bronc, they made comments of dog food and glue factories. This only made him berserk even harder.

Right out of the gates this riders face said it all. "Oh my god, what was I thinking?" Now, I'm not a horse person, therefore, I don't have many horse related stories or experiences, and that's by choice. This guy chose to get on this 1,200 pound beast. He's a horse person.

The only thing that comes to mind when I see this photo is the sound of a bad Daffy Duck impression. He's still on though, and I think he's counting the seconds on his free hand. Looks like he's down to 4.

Oops, the horse zigged and the rider zagged. He's still got a hold of that saddle horn. I'll give this guy the same advice my dad gave me when I jiggled the handle of our white Volkswagon Vanagon while driving through an intersection and the door flew open. "JUST HOLD ON!" Thanks dad.

Ah, my favorite rodeo photo. Check out the riders face and the horses face, they are pretty much the same. Both are thinking "when will this end?"

And the final shot of this guys ride. He made it! But he still has those four fingers up. Maybe it's how many jager bombs he's going to need in order to forget about that ride. But he did stay on for all 8 seconds. Way to go buddy.

Ok, a new rider with a new style. Looking pretty good man. Nice form, you still got your hat on too.

He looks like he's riding down a giant slide, just enjoying the ride back down. That horse is having a different experience.

Oops, lost the hat on that last bounce. It's ok, you still got your glasses on though. By the way, why in the world would a bronc rider want to see what's going on anyway? Just seems like it would all be blurry and bouncy anyway.

He's still hanging in there. Looks like he got a hold of some bad thai food though, that's why have a pile of magazines in the bathroom ladies. Sometimes you just gotta berserk in the bathroom.

Look at that, he's smiling at us. What a courteous rider. "HI MOM!"

Hmmm, could be a problem here with the whole andgry horse heading towards the steel rails while trying to throw you off. Like a cage match with Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Superfly Snooka! Who's who though brother?

Ok, made the turn, it's all good, just hang on and you're done. He made the entire 8 seconds as well. Congrats Smiley, now don't get all berserk at the post rodeo festivities.

WOTD: mesmerize

384 words

mesmerize

\MEZ-muh-rahyz\ , verb;

1. To spellbind; fascinate.

2. To hypnotize.

3. To compel by fascination.

The first time I stepped foot on a glacier I was truly mesmerized. The idea that I was standing on something that was actively melting, albeit quite slowly, was still a thing of fascination.

My wife, my parents, my sister and soon to be sister's fiance (he proposed on this trip) took a vacation to Alaska. We decided that we should take advantage of the opportunity and the weather to fly in a helicopter up to a glacier. I have 3 words to describe it: MES MER IZING. The blueness of the puddles up there are super intense, it must be similar to what it's like to give a smurf a prostate exam, wait, that came out wrong. Sorry, I meant to say to give a Na'vi a prostate exam.

Another time I was mesmerized in Alaska was when we first heard and saw the glaciers calving. These massive chunks of ice just fall off and splash down. Some of the chunks are easily the size of a couple of school buses duct taped together. The waves rocked our enormous cruise ship like a cork in a bathtub. Nuts, just nuts.

Yet another time on this vacation we were all at once mesmerized and awestruck was in Denali National Park on the Polychrome Pass. This place looks like another world. You can see as far as the mountains will allow. The colors are all in HDR all the time. The only way in is on a bus, which kinda sucks, but it's totally worth the bumpy 7 hour ride.

There is a joke in Alaska that says their state bird should be the mosquito. Having been there in the summertime, and experiencing these birds of prey first hand I don't think they are joking at all. We went on this awesome nature hike to see some awesome nature. It's hard to experience the nature while looking through a green screen door, but it's even harder to see through mosquito bitten and therefore swollen eyes. Did you know that caribou (or reindeer if you ever visited Santa's Village) have to take turns being on the outside of the herd because they can actually be sucked dry by those bastard skeeters. Isn't that a  mesmerizing fact?

WOTD: anoesis

474 words

 

And now for something completely different...

I don't find it difficult to come up with things to write about, but more like... how you say... putting it all together in a fun story that's not just like a home movie snore fest. I have some really awesome photos that I'm proud of and want to share, but there might not have been an interesting story associated with it. For example, the photo above doesn't have a great story associated with it, I took this during a Pheasant's Forever Young Hunter's Program field day. Mostly I was photographing dogs retrieving pheasants and the kids learning about that sort of stuff. Then I saw this gorgeous little gold finch sitting on top of this purple thistle picking at the seeds. The contrast of the colors was quite lovely and snap, I got this photo that nobody has ever seen until now. You're welcome, leave a tip in that jar by the register, but I've to see it for it to count Mr. Kramer.

So, in an attempt to change things up a bit, I'm going to rely on Dictionary.com's WORD OF THE DAY to help me come up with posts. I will try to use it in a sentence too. Oh, Mr. Leek would be so proud. No, he's not a fictitious plumber, he was my high school english teacher. I probably won't get every single word of the day or "WOTD" for short, but at least if I'm inputting code at the computron there's a much higher chance I'll put something out there. If it's not out there, then it's just here, and you're not going to see it otherwise. And it might give me an upper hand while playing Words With Friends (let me know if you want to spark up a game) Ok, here we go...

 

===begin new thingy===

anoesis

\an-oh-EE-sis\ , noun;

1. A state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion without cognitive content.

When I am surrounded by the fall colors a great sense of anoesis settles in which allows me to take it all in.

Ok, that wasn't too bad. I'm not sure if I used it right, but who the hell cares, except for maybe Mr. Leek.

Here are a few more fall color photos that might invoke a little anoesis  of your own. BAM! Two times, oh yeah, I'm on a roll now!

Oxbow bend in southern Yellowstone. I've got this one printed up huge, it's probably my favorite print. If you want one, let me know, we'll work something out.

The entire fall color spectrum as seen from a path in Wyoming looking up through the aspens. The anoesis is quite powerful with the leaves fluttering in the cool autumn breeze. Ok, now I'm just being a dork.

Oxbow bend from an entirely different angle. ANOESIS BABY!

Vacatiomo 2000

1,373 words

 

Me:        "Hey Niff, you ready for Rushmore tomorrow? Mom and dad will be ready to leave in the morning. We can drop the dogs off at doggie daycare at 9. We'll take turns driving so dad's ass doesn't fall off."

Jenn:    "Hells yeah, I can't wait to go on a road trip! How long is it going to take to get there again?"

Me:        "The Googles tell my smart phone it's about 8 and half hours, but we won't have any weather to deal with so that's a bonus."

Jenn:     "Dude, seriously? 8 and half hours? Um... You're going to hate me."

Me:        "..."

Jenn:    "I don't think I can do a drive that long, we just drove for like 7 hours this last weekend for the pheasant hunt, I don't got it in me babe."

Me:        "Ok... well, we're all booked for the hotel in South Dakota. We can cancel that but might have to pay a loser fee. What do you want to do instead? Mom and dad are really looking forward to this with us."

Jenn:    "I'll find some options that aren't that far. Let's talk about it tonight."

 

Then I had to tell my parents. But, as you can see, they are pretty easy going and had no problems at all, but I couldn't let Jenn know her abrupt vacation e-brake hadn't caused any issues. So I let her stew until we figured out the new plan later that night.

 

You see, we had planned a road trip with my parents since last year to go to Mount Rushmore and it's surrounding glory while they were out here this summer. We didn't want to go when it was so hot so we just slid it back until the last week they were here. I think it's actually a good thing though, since my dad had fallen of his horse (literally) only a week earlier and had bruises covering about 50% of his low back and butt region. Sitting for 8 and half hours in a car probably wouldn't have been the best prescription for his banged up back side. Jenn came through with a very reasonable second option that only had us driving about 2 and half hours to our first destination. Mucho bueno my love, mucho bueno indeed (we had mexican for dinner the first night).

 

We drove through Anaconda, MT which has these awesome old smelting pots filled with flowers all over town. It used to be a really big mining town, like most of the southwest Montana towns, but this one managed to thrive and not turn into a ghost town like so many others did.

 

 
It being an old mining town, they had allot of bars. They still have these old painted ads all over the place, this is one the better ones we saw. "You work better Refreshed!" Which translates to "Get drunk here before you stagger back to work in the most dangerous conditions imaginable."

 

Which brings us to our next stop. The cemetery in Anaconda is massive, as you might imagine, and sits atop a hill overlooking the entire town. It's quite a fitting place to rest in peace because it was quite peaceful up there.

 

We had packed lunches so we could stop where ever the urge hit us. It just happened to hit us when we were in the cemetery. Totally normal. As my dad and Jenn were making sandwiches he said "These sandwiches are to die for". I swear, if they could bottle the corny essence that spews from my family we'd solve the worlds fuel problems. Come on science, stop worrying about growing ears on a mouses back and get on this would ya?

 

We drove along the historic and scenic Pintler Loop, which was awesome in and of itself. Lots of old barns, pastures, rivers, streams, and almost no people to speak of. Paradise really.

 

The next stop on the scenic Pintler Loop  was the historic town of Phillipsburg, MT or "PBurg" as we are led to believe the locals call it. I kinda doubt that though. We never heard or saw one reference to that ridiculous name anywhere.

 

PBurg (see how lame that sounds?) was awarded the best painted town in America or Montana or something. I can totally see that too. The entire town helps to keep the place looking old-ish, but clean too. Everyone was really nice and happy to share info about their town, which they referred to as Phillipsburg. Imagine that.

 

They have the oldest operating jail in America, complete with a hangman's noose on the upper floor.

 

There is also a massive candy store there. I felt like a dog who's owners had left an entire bag of food out when they left and it was all mine! (Sorry, that's what happened yesterday with Roscoe P Coltrane, so it's fresh in my mind) Or, I also felt like a kid in a candy store... either way, it was awesome!

 

They're opening up a brewery in the town too, which will mean that have everything a town could possibly need.

 

This is Elwood the donkey. That's all I got, we stopped. He was there. Then we left. So long Elwood.

 

There is no question what's on the menu here. We went in for a much needed bathroom break, but not wanting to pee and run, I ordered up a huckleberry shake. It was easily the best tasting shake I've ever had. Maybe it was the bison skull it was served in, but man, it was super tasty! Skullerific!

 

Next stop, history! We had heard about this place, but never made a point to travel there. This was one of Jenn's options for the trip and we all agreed it would be fun to see. They have a great visitor center with more info on the American Bison than you can shake a stick at. Go ahead, shake your stick and we'll see what's what.

 

There is an annual event that occurs at the bison range where cowboys round up the entire herd on horseback just like they did back in 1908. We were lucky enough to see this in person. They were pretty far away, but it was awesome to hear the cowboys whooping and the thunder from the hundreds of bison as they ran together. They can only keep a certain number of bison on the range so this roundup serves several purposes. They can check the herd for illness, tag any new members, and then they sell the ones they just can't keep. Sounds like grade school all over again.

 

They could also call this place the National Antelope Range because damn! They have allot of antelope there. The rut was just starting, which is nature speak for "its horny time, let's make more of us". We watched this antelope buck chase this doe around at about 30 MPH. It must be the equivalent of putting gum in the hair of the girl you like in school. You know, we're just showing you we care girls.

 

After the National Bison and Antelope Range we drove to the small town of Thompson Falls. We were really excited to see some nice falls. Who isn't? Am I right? My folks went into a convenient store and asked where we could find the falls. They were told that they had been dammed up years ago. Damn. My mom's response when they got back to the car was "We've been Klamathed". Which is funny because they had the same thing happen to them in Klamath Falls.

 

Oh well, at least we got to see this puppy chase a couple young white tail deer along side the river where these geese were in full goose games.

 

I love my wife. Even though she bogarted our Rushmore trip plans less than 24 hours before we were going to leave we ended up having an awesome time. We had a great vacation with my parents and got to see new places in the state we proudly call home. Thanks Niff. We wouldn't have seen that stuff unless you were such a wuus. Kisses. (By the way, she's not double fisting beers, at least not here, she always picks up garbage when we find it, she's the best.)

MOTHRA!

507 words

 

I opened up my door to let the pooches in from the blistering 98 degree blast furnace that is Montana in summer. As I slid the screen door open I see this thing hanging on the screen door. What the... oh, it's a giant moth, ok. It will leave as soon as I shut the screen. Wrong, it stayed put. So, I did what a guy with a blog about photography would do and grabbed my camera with a 90mm Tamron macro on there.

 

I was trying to get as many shots as I could before it flew away.

 

I had never seen a moth with such neat markings. It looked like a snow leopard or a bowl of oreo cookie ice cream. I had also never noticed that tear in my screen door. I'm going to continue to ignore it. What tear in the screen?

 

Well, it turns out that Mr. Spotty Moth was either in a very deep sleep or dead. Either way, he didn't move a millimeter. I took way too many photos of this moth, way too many.  But, this isn't my first run in with a moth, oh not by a long shot.

 

I think the moths are quite pretty, they are just a butterflies cousin after all. And everyone loves butterflies. If you don't love butterflies the terrorists win.

 

 

I used to like seeing the various bugs in the garden. They were always fun to photograph, like this threesome of mothras. Well, now that I have a garden in Montana, I don't want to see anything but food in my garden.

 

Like Mr. Oreo Pants Moth, this moth didn't move at all when I found him in my gerber daisy. I don't know why I think they are all man moths, I'm sure there are lady mothras out there too, pretty sure about that.

 

I thought he/she/it was going to take off, so I took as many shots as I could without much thought put into composition. My lens was probably about 2 inches from Mrs. Sleepy Moth. It's extremely hard to hold still with a depth of field that is only about 1/2 inch deep. I try to control my breathing, but then I start to slowly rock back and forth. I must look one of those street performers that just stand still. But it's my first day, and I'm not very good at it yet, and I'm covered in a discount paint color which looks bad.

 

After I realized Mothra wasn't budging I actually put a little effort into the shots and came up with some of my favorites of all time. The short depth of field and the colors just relax me. Let Mothra take your stress away. Allow it. Namaste.

 

I don't know what happened to this moth or to Lord Spotty McSpottington, but I'll keep taking photos of the moths I do find. If I ever see Godzilla and Mothra battling it out in the mean streets of Anytown, USA I hope I have my camera with me.

chicken dog

738 words

 
It's not some type of poultry hot dog, it's what you get when you give my dog a bone and the chickens find out about it.

 

I guess it all started with Bella checking out the chickens when I brought them home from the post office. Yeah, that whole thing about what came first, the chicken or the egg? That's a load of crap. I can finally put that debate to bed. Chickens come from a catalog, just like my ammo does, jeez. We got the chickens in February. It's freakin' cold here in February (why is that first "r" in that word anyway?) So we had to raise the chicks in a heated moving tub until they were big enough to be moved out, which was like 3 months later. Note to self, raise the chicks someplace that isn't in our house next time.

 

So Bella would love to go into the room we had the chicks in (these aren't actually chickens, they are guinea fowl, maybe another post some time) and just smell them and try to get them to run around. We thought it was cute, apparently the chickens didn't. They held a grudge.

 

 

Sometimes we need a break and give the dogs a bone, which is the parental equivalent of putting a kid in front of the TV with a Disney movie, juice box, cheerios, and chocolate pudding. The chickens are quite aware of this and seek them out like a bachelor party to Vegas. I've written about it here already.

 

Roscoe P. Coltrane really gets into the bone thing. We always give both dogs a bone so they can just go off and be dogs and leave us the hell alone for a while. Bella goes through a bone like a junkie with their fix of choice. Roscoe P. Coltrane knows this and avoids any sort of harshing of his mellow by running to the opposite side of the house and promptly buries it. I LOVE this! I've never had a dog that did this thing that cartoons led me to believe all dogs do. I find it hilarious. So, after he's done storing his bone for later use, he grabs a ball and wants to play. With me. This is not the reason I gave him a bone, I wanted a break. Come on man!

 

When RPC has finally let some time pass and gets his bone from storage, the chickens come around, like sharks after a shipwreck. They just know they need to be there. It's nature. I had to put a little bit of fence on the outside of my deck fence to keep the girls from coming on the deck and leaving their turds all over. But, when there's a bone, there's a way.

 

They figure out how to get into the inner sanctum that is our fenced off yard and harass the dogs. Relentlessly.

 

 

They start off slowly and circle in on their prey, which my dog is crunching down on with much vigor. It would be like watching a huge shredder machine with a doughnut resting just above the teeth of the thing. Do I go in and grab that doughnut. Hell yes I do, what the hell do you think I am, not a dude that loves doughnuts? It's all about timing. And delicious delicious fried goodness. MMmmmm fried anything.

 

I got so excited about the idea of doughnuts that I got the closest thing I had in my house. Luckily it was a red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting. I also enjoyed some delicious coffee in a jeremywheaton mug.  Seriously though, if you want a mug, I've got lots here that I need to sell. Contact me if you're interested, for reals. I feel dirty.

 

She got lucky, this one did, Roscoe P Coltrane let a bit slip out from the gnashing teeth show. Oh, that felt good to use that silent "G", take that FEBUARY, yeah.

 

 

Like a bolt of lighting, she snapped up the bony bit and was off. Shaking it like, well, like a dog might shake a chicken if they were so inclined. The irony isn't lost on me, or at least I like to think it's not.

 

After a few moments of doing whatever a chicken does with a bone, she was back for more. I wonder if she buried it too?

 

They always come back for more. Like you should. See you soon!

 

 

R.I.P. Nicole Eggert with video goodness

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 As promised, here's the video I put together with some archival footage of me and Nicole Eggert spending time together. Damn, that chicken could drink. I hope you enjoy this. Yes, you.